IS THERE A BAD TIME TO HAVE AN ERECTION?

I'm getting old. I based that on the fact that every 3-4 years I have to get a new photo identification card to get in an out of the building I work in. I am a very different person than I was just 8 years ago, when I got my first photo id.  There is no up side to aging except for the fact that you're still alive.

There CAN Be An UP Side

One of the things I never anticipated when I thought about getting old was having the ability to have erections on demand or better still spontaneous erections. There is so much misinformation in the media - in an effort to promote the use of drugs that supposidly help with erecticle dysfunction - that the average man could become downright discouraged.

I was sitting at my desk today and got a call from a voluptuous twentysomething woman that has been teasing the juice out of me for about 6 years.  Like a spontaneous erection, she just pops up from time to time, just to remind me of what I am not getting. While we were talking today, she inadvertently stated that we had did "it", then reversed herself out loud after she did a mental body count.  That Freudian slip startled Mister Wiggles.

After the call, I got up from my desk, to take a piss.  I'm standing alone at a urinal in the men's bathroom, staring at the ceramic tiles on the wall and started recounting the last few times she and I got together.  She and I have near sexual encounters that involve hand holding, lots of petting, her bumping her HUGE breast into my chest and arms, closed mouth kissing and pornographic dvd's.  As I was standing at the urinal, Mister Wiggles began turning into a Ball Park Frank in my hand!  Two things immediately came to mind: 1) thank God! no one walked up on me and; 2) THANK GOD that I can get a pocket rocket in a matter of seconds!

THIS IS COMMENTARY, NOT A SOLICITATION                    

Ever since I was about 30, I have been hearing women proclaim that men "peak" sexually at about 18.  Which men, for the most part, think is the stupidest shit we have ever heard.  We men know that you rarely get your "stroke" together before your mid-twenties.  As one masters one's "stroke" you come to understand that the women that make those proclamations simply aint been getting good dick.  

Further fueling that urban myth is the proliferation of black pornography featuring young 5' 5" men with 12-15 inch dicks. Coupled with the media onslaught of commercials for male enhancement drugs, herbs and machines that make you "bigger" and the homosexual conspiracy to turn men against woman and vice versa,  It's enough to give the average man an inferiority complex.  And if your abilities in the sack were questionable in your youth, by the time you're 40, it's easy to feel that your sexual life is almost over.

I’m over 40 and I take prescription drugs to keep from spontaneously combusting. Needless to say, I am happy whenever I get some wood.  I feel like it is a victory for any man over 18.  Don’t ask me to explain that, just take me at my word.  I just have to be extra careful not to have a woody immediately prior to break time, while wearing loose pants or while standing at urinal next to another man.  That has never happened but I have had 2-3 occasions when someone walked up whilst I was daydreaming about some lascivious situation forcing me to lean into the urinal because trust me most men do look but no one admits it.  Last week I was standing between 2 women chatting with them in a very provocative way, when Mister Wiggles caught a Charlie horse.  Fortunately for me, I had on a pair of Levis.

"Save Some For When You Get Old Son"

My mother used to say those cryptic words to me on occasion, when we were sitting in her kitchen.  In my twenties and thirties, I did not fully understand what she meant but I do now!  She imparted me with words to live by and I subconsciously took heed.

My mother figured out in my late teens that I was a big ole slut because my big mouth friends literally told her so.  She married my homatic daddy who concealed his slutistic ways from her until it was too late.  She did not want to understand that that hoary fruit did not fall far from the daddy tree until my brother - 6 years my senior and my idol/role model - reached puberty.  The oldest child is the experiment.  The child that comes after is the case study.  By the time I arrived, momma knew what to do to tame her wee beasty.  She softly repeated that manta to me throughout my formitive years. 

NOTE: This is the only time on this blog where momma and vague references to sex will ever be made in the same paragraph.

There was many a day that I choose discretion over needs - largely because of my mother’s religious based counsel - and I anguished over my decisions profusely.  I hated myself during those times that I supressed my id impulses.  I'd usually end up severely abusing Mister Wiggles.  Those timely decisions have come to prolong my sexual life.

Despite the continual “blessing” in my old age there are times when you simply should not have an erection.  Based on my personal experiences one should try and avoid the following situations:       1) NEVER GET AN ERECTION IN CHURCH, especially during a funeral.  There may be rare occasions during a spirited regular church service where one MIGHT catch a woody quite innocently, like that Friday evening when I attended a sanctified church service and this devil in a red dress with a real big ass grabbed my dick with her butt cheeks as she was trying to come sit between me and The Church Lady.

Let me explain.  I was enjoying the service then “POOF!” the Red Dress Woman appeared out of nowhere and motioned at me from the isle way to let her sit in my pew.  Y’all know that pews are tight but most of you don’t know that I’m a pretty good sized fella.  I braced the back of my legs against the wooden seat and arched my back to let her come by.  When she leaned forward and moved that left leg sideways to slide by me them big silk covered ass cheeks parted.  As she moved her right leg those greedy ass cheeks took hold of the front of my gabardine pants, grabbing Mister Wiggles like two big gel filled hams and proceeded to rolled him around for a milli-second before turning him loose.  All the blood in my body rushed to Mister Wiggles.  I got so dizzy I almost fainted.  I had to grab the arm of the pew in order to remain standing.  The Red Dress Woman looked at me over her right shoulder with a perverse little smile on her face.  She moved a little more to my left releasing Mister Wiggles from his blissful inprisonment and attempted to get between me and The Church Lady who had her back turned to us banging on her tambourine.  As soon as that big booty devil jumped between us, The Church Lady turned to the right, put the tambourine in her left hand and politely guided The Red Dress Woman by the arm away from her well dressed heathen.

I am ashamed to say that that was the most pleasurable experience I’ve had in a church and OF COURSE the most regrettable.  I did not go another Friday service with The Church Lady.

2) NEVER WATCH PORN WITH YOUR MALE FRIENDS. Getting excited in this situation surely sends out the wrong signal in today's world.  Having an erection while watching porn with your male friends may confuse you too if you take time to contemplate the dynamics of the situation.

3) NEVER ASK A WOMAN TO TOUCH YOUR ERECTION WHEN OUT ON A DATE.  If perchance she notices it and keeps looking at it - provided you can sustain it for a prolonged period - act very casual.  You will want to give the impression that this is how your dick is all the time.  If she happens to notice it before you are going into a movie theatre and decides to hold your hand, place her hand in your lap.  If she pulls her hand away you're fucked and the date is essentially over.  If her hand stays on your crotch be patient.  You will be the recipient of a hand and/or knob job before the night is over.

This may sound juvenile to many female readers but hey, if a man can sustain an erection for several hours, his dick deserves a little show of appreciation!

4) NEVER MASTURBATE.  Remember the boy that cried wolf?  Imagine that your dick is the town's people and your hand is that loud mouthed sheppard.  After a point, the town's people do not respond after repeated false alarms!  And stay away from sheep too!

If you are over 40 and you can't get laid it's your fault.  Self abuse is NOT the answer.  A new wardrobe, a haircut and a trip to the dentist might be in order.

5) DON'T TRY TO SCREW LIKE YOU DID WHEN YOU WERE TWENTY.  Many of us would like to believe that we still got it like that.  Not true.  Take your time. Take a break.  It will last longer. Bow down and kiss the gateway to heaven.  She will appreciate it.  

Women are influenced by the media too.  They like a little faux lezbo action every now and then.  Most women don't appreciate you trying to beat up the kitty.  Stroke kitty  and kiss it real real gently and it just might purr.

This is a departure from my regular blogs but remember: Mister Wiggles made me do it.